The End of Bad Sex

One of our members has written this beautiful piece on bad sex. She wishes to stay anonymus. If you want to write a message to the writer, you can send an e-mail to us, and when appropriate we will forward it to the writer. 

The end of bad sex


Image by: Dunpharlain, 2010, click image for source

‘..Or you can stop whining’, he said softly, after I tried to address the topic that is our boring one-sided sex-life with my ex-boyfriend ‘Tom’*.


..Finally after kissing and fondling her, he quickly gained an erection and entered her in the male superior position, with little or no foreplay, and orgasmed in approximately 5 minutes. She had no orgasm and went to the bathroom. . . .


After trying to bring it up for the umpteenth time in all the ‘positive ways’ I could think of and things barely changing… he wished I would stop whining. ‘Well you can also think about different positions during intercourse’, he said. I explained, that while dick in my pussy is cool, it could hardly ever make me come, and is only a small part of what I consider good intimacy and sex. And that there are many more possibilities beyond that. He said, ‘I don’t have to come every time’. But somehow he did come nearly every time, and I came nearly never. Something he failed to notice or care about.


For the 24th consecutive year the anti-abortion organisation Schreeuw om Leven (literally: Scream for Life) organized the so-called March for Life. In this annual march a growing group of people demands that abortion becomes illegal. The organisation consists of mostly conservative protestant Christians. From all over the country full buses drove to The Hague last Saturday to march against freedom of choice. The march started with a gathering where people sang christian songs and politicians of conservative christian political parties spoke, both Kees van der Staaij (SGP) and Chris-Jan Segers (CU) were present. After this the at least 5000 (!) participants had a silent march through the city (some people on twitter said there were 7000). The Dutch newspaper Gereformeerd Dagblad wrote about it (Dutch). It was virtually the only media outlet that reported the event.

This year, CHOICE for Youth organized a counter demonstration, and some of the members of the Feminist Club joined.


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Discussion Night: Safe Space / Closed Space

On this night we will discuss the idea of Safe Space. What are its conceptual ideals and its practical existence? And what are the tensions between the ideology and the lived reality? These are some of the questions we wish to explore together.

The concept of Safe Space originated in the LGBTQ communities, where it signified a space where LGBTQ- people could come together and be safe from discrimination, marginalization and (physical) harm. It now extends to all kinds of groups who are marginalized in society on the basis of sex, race/ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender identity or expression, cultural background, religious affiliation, age, or physical or mental ability. Safe Spaces should be hospitable environment, in which they can come together, feel at ease, and exchange experiences that other people can’t relate to. Safe spaces, in short, should be exactly that: Spaces were people feel safe, where they can be themselves, where they can be with people like themselves.
This idea, however, is not without conflict. Criticasters argue that Safe Spaces actually contribute to more separation, more division, more hierarchies. Moreover, as commitments to safe space, and related concepts such as the use of trigger warnings and pronouns, are exported to other sites and situations (for instance, higher education) critical voices argue that these formalized sensitivities towards the presupposed minority experience effectively leads to censorships. Only thoughts and opinions that take account trigger warnings, pronouns and the like are allowed to be voiced, opponents say.
In this discussion, we want to explore these criticisms: to learn how to productively and appropriately engage with them and how to not simply withdraw from conversation in “less safe spaces”, and thus take them as an invitation to ponder on the means through which we translate commitments to inclusivity and equality into practice.

Acknowledging and exploring the tensions that might come up from this is particularly relevant for the Feminist Club if we consider the different goals the club and its online platform aspire to: creating a safe space for marginalized people, fostering open debate about feminist issues, and mobilizing people in, and advancing the fight against, among others, sexism and racism. Taking into account the latter two ideals, we will discuss whether, and if so how, norms to make spaces safe may risk turning them instead into orthodox and closed spaces.

(Sources for preparation of the meeting will follow asap, you can find the event on Facebook and on Radar.Squad to keep up to date) 

Becoming an Active Feminist! Upcoming Events

Preaching to the feminist choir
On the discussions on our Facebook page, there is certain topic that regularly resurfaces. Every once in a while people will critique online feminism, and I totally understand why. In our Facebook group, a lot of people post articles, pictures, videos, about feminist issues. The online discussions that follow are valuable. It is nice to see that people share these posts with others. Hopefully, some people are educated, grow and maybe also start calling themselves feminists. But a lot of the time, it can feel like preaching to the own choir. So shouldn’t our feminism be aimed more towards the outside? Shouldn’t we run to the streets and protest? Every so often someone will exclaim this in the Facebook group. Gathering likes within a feminist facebook group will hardly change the world right?

I think that sharing posts and reading up on feminist issues can be great. It’s very nice to find like-minded people. It gives a sense of belonging, knowing that you’re not the only one out there who thinks a certain way. Activism can take place online. We’ve seen that in the past when we collectively complained against sexist posters and more recently against an online campaign by health insurance company OHRA (in Dutch). And sharing articles is what got me personally involved with feminism. Without tumblr and twitter, I may have never been as active as I am now.

But going to streets does create change! For some examples, check out these articles on recent protests in Europe:

  1. The protests in Poland which resulted in the rejection of a new law proposal to ban all abortions.
  2. In the UK women’s rights groups blocked bridges, demanding a reversal of the budget cuts of specialist services for PoC survivors of domestic violence. (read more)
  3. In Iceland there is a recurrent protest were women leave their work early, to protest the wage gap.

These protests show that going to the street works. It also shows that one protest is not enough, however, they’ve gotten results.

So what can you do?

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