One of our members has written this beautiful piece on bad sex. She wishes to stay anonymus. If you want to write a message to the writer, you can send an e-mail to us, and when appropriate we will forward it to the writer.
The end of bad sex
Image by: Dunpharlain, 2010, click image for source
‘..Or you can stop whining’, he said softly, after I tried to address the topic that is our boring one-sided sex-life with my ex-boyfriend ‘Tom’*.
..Finally after kissing and fondling her, he quickly gained an erection and entered her in the male superior position, with little or no foreplay, and orgasmed in approximately 5 minutes. She had no orgasm and went to the bathroom. . . .
After trying to bring it up for the umpteenth time in all the ‘positive ways’ I could think of and things barely changing… he wished I would stop whining. ‘Well you can also think about different positions during intercourse’, he said. I explained, that while dick in my pussy is cool, it could hardly ever make me come, and is only a small part of what I consider good intimacy and sex. And that there are many more possibilities beyond that. He said, ‘I don’t have to come every time’. But somehow he did come nearly every time, and I came nearly never. Something he failed to notice or care about.
The quote above, from The New Yorker, comes from an article about a man who has spied on his motel guests for several decades in Colorado. While as a source ethically questionable, it is a source useful for this article, such direct observations that coalesce with my experiences. It helps illustrate that I’m not just talking about myself. Because how many women who I have talked to about their sex-life, can relate to the the procedure of, ‘he grabs my boobs, he grabs my butt, he grabs my pussy, he’s ready, and so he assumes I’m ready, and approaches said target with cock’? Too many, is the answer.
Mr. Grabby-boob hands said: ’My hand just gets tired after a while, and I don’t know what to do anymore’. I said, ‘my vibrator can do a lot of work instead of you, no need to be afraid of it’. He is not the first to be intimidated by it. He touched it only once in the time we dated.
‘Conclusion: They are not a happy couple. He is too concerned about his position and doesn’t have time for her. He is very ignorant of sexual procedure and foreplay despite his college education. This is a very undistinguished beginning for my observation laboratory . . . .
Things did not improve for Gerald Foos with regard to the second couple he observed. The man and woman were in their thirties, and they talked about money, drank bourbon, and went to bed with the covers pulled “up to their noses.”’
-The New Yorker – The voyeur’s motel
My sex-life must’ve been really terrible that I had been Ionging back to the asshole who made me scream in pain as he had surprise butt-fucked me.
By the way, tell me your unethical porn doesn’t have an effect on society, and I’lI tell you I have experienced the opposite, as I witness it contributing to a disinterest in female pleasure and perspectives in sexuality.**
Anyway, I would longingly think back to that friend-with-benefits-fuck years ago, the days when asshole guy asked me what I wanted him to do to me, and unfortunately I didn’t know back then really… Those were my pre-vibrator days.. The asshole told me how my pussy smelled so great, and how he could go down on me forever…
I was daydreaming away from Tom, who every time I tried to address something regarding our intimate life, shot it right back at me. ‘I don’t have to come every time’ (again, he did, every time). ‘Tenderness is important to me, and I when I touch you, you are just in your own world, not paying any attention to me, not connecting, and it’s not attractive to me’. I told him that when he is going to climax, is he really going to multi-task? (here’s a hint: Fuck-to-the-no). It’s not like he can touch my clit or read a captivating murder-thriller during intercourse/orgasm. That would be weird to expect. There were a hot two seconds in our relationship where I would interrupt the sex so he could touch me, before he went post-cum comatose. After that occasion, I sensed him becoming more distant and wanting to have sex less often. Get me a hurray and a cake, because that relationship is very over.
He was not into intimacy. Finding this out the hard way when on a short trip away, where we had all the time in the world, it became an awful realization of what I had to miss in this relationship and the one-sidedness of it all. I had brought massage oil, toys, lube, and put it on our nightstand. Even though it was obviously there, I mentioned it to him. It was all ignored. After the evening of basic sex where he came and I didn’t, I confronted him again, and figuring we had time to make up for it in this trip, I waited for the morning. I was into touching him. I don’t mean his genitals.. His hair, his face, his shoulders, his strong arms, admiring him with my touch. We were in no hurry to get to jobs, we had all the time in the world, to be one together.. but he wanted to have breakfast, and ‘get going with the day’.
-‘At the end of each year, he tallied his observations into an annual report, trying to identify significant social trends. In 1973, he noted that of the 296 sexual acts that he witnessed, 195 involved white heterosexuals, who favored the missionary position. Over all, he counted 184 male orgasms and 33 female orgasms.’
-The New Yorker – The voyeur’s motel
He wanted to have breakfast. When he didn’t want intercourse, no intimacy would happen. No attentive caressing, no kissing.. If he had come, sex was over. That’s why I tried to explain to him that whatever could make me come or get into it, foreplay, should happen before intercourse. I had told him I felt like an object for masturbation, he didn’t take the time to make sure I was taken care of, or even ready to go. Of course I sometimes wanted just intercourse straight away, I explained- that I hated routine.
Earlier on in our relationship, without saying much, I gave him my copy of the book ‘She comes first’, a guide to female oral sex, but also how female sexuality works and some biological aspects and drawings to go with it. He didn’t open the book, and then just left my home later without taking it. It was hard for me to present him with the book in the first place, and I didn’t dare to bring up with him why he didn’t take it home, in shock by such a clear statement, as he had so clearly had pushed it aside after a mere glance.
He described himself as alpha-male, though he moved around all the alternative-y, ‘underground’ places, those are worst kinds I guess, those backward ‘enlightened’ assholes. He wasn’t the first one for sure. When it comes to basic, boring sex, give me that juicy beefcake on the beach anytime over (sexually) selfish pricks feeling good about their idealism. Because I would expect THAT guy to shove his unwashed dick in my face and expect me to eat it. Guys, you try shoving a pee-covered banana down your throat, and then look at yourself in the mirror while the tears are rolling down your face.
Dominant is all he really is, Tom said about himself, when I talked about the submission workshop I had been to. I had seen him care nothing about other people in situations, and just laugh. I wasn’t going to be exempt from that. That had nothing to with BDSM. He was just locking a part of himself away, for no one to touch, and yet it seemed he wanted a monogamous relationship. ‘I want you to come’. Those are words he never said. His joy made me happy… I told him, that I loved it when he came, that I enjoyed his pleasure, that that was often the biggest joy during penetration.
..’He had come to believe that the arrival of the birth-control pill, in the early sixties, which he’d originally celebrated, encouraged many men to expect sex on demand: “Women had won the legal right to choose but had lost the right to choose the right moment.” He felt that the war between the sexes had escalated and that sexual relations were getting worse, not better. (Lesbians, whom Foos admired, were an exception.)’
-The New Yorker – The voyeur’s motel
Being bisexual/pansexual and having had sex with women as a woman, and having had my first real orgasm later in my twenties, for me there was no going back to a slowly deteriorating, one-sided, unsatisfying and unequal sex-life. I thus also know the experience of pleasing a woman. Looking up from beneath her legs, to her torso and face, as she is ecstatic, I can’t think of a better view.
For the life of me, I had tried to explain to Tom that I didn’t want our sex-life to slowly fade out, because I -did- care about us, and believed it could be possible for our intimate contact to be a conscious bond, and meaningful- not routine. He didn’t want to participate in workshops focusing on this. In the end he said, ironically, ’I am missing an intimate connection’.
Ladies, fight for it, that is the only way men will improve. I hope Tom’s next girlfriend enjoys the benefits of the clitoral-shaped battlefields I have fought on, and hope she will keep fighting to get what she deserves. Because now, every time I come when masturbating, feels like a victory. In a rush I think to myself ‘this is what he denied me’ and ‘never again’.
PS. This is my perspective, and I don’t expect anyone to want or not want anything, but I would like to advocate for people openly communicating in relationships from early on, also to avoid incompatibility issues. I also want to advocate awareness of female sexuality and stereotypes. ‘She comes first’ is a good start.
Yeah, I know, all sex can’t be good, but it is proven that couples who can all openly communicate about sex, have better sex.
*Not his real name
**Yes, I believe in ethical porn. Opinions may vary. As may STD’s.